


Lost Control

by countermeasures



Category: James Bond (Movies), Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-04
Updated: 2012-11-04
Packaged: 2017-11-17 23:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/554554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/countermeasures/pseuds/countermeasures
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’ve already lost control<br/>Those eyes will be the death of me, I’m sure<br/>I’ll let you keep what you stole<br/>If you promise just to take a little more<br/>Go on and break me<br/>This love has got to be<br/>More than what I fell into before<br/>I’ve already lost control</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost Control

**Author's Note:**

> For A. I owe you so much!

_I’m relieved the conversation grows lighter  
‘Cause it’s clear the wine has gone to your head_

James knew he had to talk to somebody about Skyfall. It wasn’t healthy to keep everything bottled up, but until now he had dealt with everything by taking pain meds and a drink. He knew he was only merely repressing everything and that one day he would have to deal with the fallout of his issues, but so far his tactic worked. That is, until he‘d met Q. 

He had found the younger man at his doorstep with a bottle of wine when he had returned and it had been clear that they both felt the same. He looked sideways at the younger man on the couch, and it was clear that the wine had taken over. He knew that Q wouldn’t ask anything about the mission anymore tonight; the conversation went from politics to sports and somehow they ended up discussing a TV show that James had never even heard of. 

“You do realize I have no idea what you’re talking about, right? Twins? What?” 

“No, not twins, Twin Peaks! They should have never revealed who killed Laura Palmer, because after that everything sort of disintegrated into a list of guest stars longer than your tie; and now Dale is forever stuck in the Black Lodge. Well, unless someone writes him out of it. The man who played BOB wasn’t even an actor, though, did you know that, he was the set decorator; and looked creepy enough for the job...”

James let him go on -- even though a rambling Q wasn’t helping with knowing what he was going on about. All he cared about was that he wasn’t spending the night alone. Some wine, light conversation and great company was all that he wanted. Nothing more, nothing less. 

“James? Are you still with me?” Q actually had to wave his arm before James snapped out of it. “You were completely zoned out there, I think it’s time for bed.” The look told James exactly what was implied; and his feelings hit him with such force that it was hard to ignore that he definitely wanted more than this, but he pushed them away, determined to stick to his plan for the night. Great company.

_While I’ve always had a list full of lies  
I don’t need to use a single one yet_

James had surprised himself, falling so fast and so deep. He had been weakened the moment they met, but he knew that wasn’t an excuse. He felt himself drowning in Q’s eyes, fallingfurther and further each night they spent together. He knew he wasn’t giving Q enough in return, but it was too much at once all the same. 

He had sworn he wouldn’t go there again. He had lost too many people already, and the inevitable hurt wasn’t worth it any more. It was clear that his heart wasn’t in agreement with his mind, because what he felt was rare. He could be himself when he was around Q, no need for games and lies. James knew he should tell Q how he felt, but somehow he couldn’t. He feared it would change everything. 

“What is going on in that brain of yours? Still thinking about Skyfall?” Q’s voice pulled James out of his head. Q hadn’t asked anything about the mission at first. He‘d known what happened and had had to process it as well. Lately, however, this was changing. Q wasn’t probing, but now and then he asked questions that James wasn’t prepared to answer yet.

“Skyfall?” James looked confused, but quickly recovered, “yeah, from time to time my mind takes me back.”

“You really should talk to somebody about it, you know. I read this article where they claim that talking about a shock actually relocates the memory to a different part of your brain so it won’t haunt you anymore.” Q had absently started waving his arms about as he was talking, and by the time he was done, his hands were on James’ shoulders and started massaging them.

“Bullshit. Total and utter bullshit. You’re a computer wizard, not a bio-genius!” James was having trouble focusing, he could barely get the words out. He had lost control and realized that he didn’t feel the need to regain it. 

_Take your aim at me I’ll make it worthwhile  
Just remember who was holding the gun_

“Q, we have to talk. I can’t go on like this.” James saw the surprise on Q’s face and suddenly couldn’t say what he‘d been working on on the whole way over. “The Walther PPK you coded to my handprint? Those bloody lights nearly gave me away today. They light up like a Christmas tree!” 

So this is how it feels like to chicken out, James thought. His legs could barely carry him any more, so he sat down on the bench. He was a 00-agent, he had been trained to ignore his nerves, why was this so hard? 

Q just shook his head and sighed. “Let me see what I can do for you. At least you brought it back in one piece this time, that’s something quite rare these days.”

“Haha, very funny. Just fix it, will you?” Bond looked around to find Q-branch deserted, “Bring it tonight.”

“I’ll bring the wine, too.” Q winked at James and grinned. “Or should I bring something stronger, you look like you need it.” 

It was only then that James realized he hadn’t had a drink in days. He hadn’t felt the need for anything stronger than soda -- Q was more intoxicating than anything he ever put in his body. “That’s not what I need and you know it.”

The smile that James received was enough to disarm him, had he been paying attention, but he was lost in his own mind again. He knew he had to say something, Q deserved to know how he felt. He needed to, to keep his sanity. He heard Q yell something at him when he walked out of the room but he didn’t go back to see what it was. He knew he would get a call if it was something important. He had more urgent matters on his mind, figuring out how to share his feelings. He‘d locked away that part of his brain, and he knew it would hurt to open it again.

_I like not knowing what to expect  
I have been noticing your effect_

“Maybe you should start a blog.” James just stared at Q, sure that he didn’t hear him correctly. 

“I should start a what now?” 

“A blog. You know, where you write about your problems? Writing it out is almost as effective as talking about it. Studies have shown--”

James grabbed Q by his collar and started to make out with him before he could finish his sentence. It had worked all those other times; no thinking, just doing. Q pushed him off reluctantly after a few seconds, and James knew that this was the moment.

“Q? This afternoon in the lab? I didn’t come in to talk about the gun.” James felt his stomach twist into a knot. “Even though those lights have been driving me crazy.”

“I know, I figured you would try again when you were ready. I’ll will be here.” 

If he didn’t do it now, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself, he had to give in. “You have no idea what this is doing to me. You, me, I have no idea what is going on but you are making me whole again. I was lost and I didn’t even know it.” James couldn’t even look at Q while he was saying it, turning away from him, but there was no going back now, so he pressed on. 

“I let you save me, without even realizing what you were doing. You took me somewhere I wanted to leave unexplored, you made me more human again. I shut down that part of me, after Vesper, after Tracy and now again, and I thought I left it all behind for good this time.” 

He had his back to Q now, and he hadn’t noticed the other man coming closer, he was even startled for a second when he felt a hand on his back; but the warmth was familiar and calming him down, making everything very clear in his head. 

_I’ll let you keep what you stole  
If you promise just to take a little more_

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing, I get nothing. Title and bits of lyrics nicked from Matt Doyle, ‘What You Stole’


End file.
